Preferred over ‘the swimsuit,’ a heart attack

Are you ready for swimsuit weather? Hmm...let me guess. You’d rather walk a plank with a gang of blood‑thirsty pirates behind you and a bunch of sharks waiting for you to jump before you’d like to “go public” in a bathing suit.

Don’t worry, you are not alone.  About 80 percent of American adults over the age of 30 claim that they aren’t “comfortable” with the way they look in a swimsuit. A shocking 50 percent of adult women say they would rather “have a heart attack” than wear a bathing suit in front of anyone.           

It is pretty intimidating to go into a store and try on a bathing suit. This is not an exercise for the weak, as only the brave can survive. There, under the unforgiving flourescent lights and before the horror of three‑way mirrors, it is the “time of reckoning” that will make most women physically sick. Every cellulite bulge, ripple, lump and bump of tummy and thighs will be completely and grossly exposed. Each potato chip, high‑carb treat, piece of pie and plate of pasta is suddenly staring back at you in a room full of mirrors. No mercy, no denial, just absolute honesty made worse by the glare of bright lights. Help us!          

My friend Sue was going on a cruise for her 25th wedding anniversary and decided to go to Dillards to get a bathing suit. With her three‑year‑old grandchild, Haley, in tow, she grabbed about ten bathing suits off the rack and went into the dressing room. Sadly, when she had the last one on, she made a promise to herself, God and Haley, right there in the dressing room, that she would not wear a bathing suit out in public, even if her life depended on it. At that moment Haley opened the dressing room door and darted out into the store. It must have been a great day at Dillards to watch my friend chasing a three‑year‑old up and down the aisles while wearing nothing more than a bathing suit. Screaming “Haley!” as she ran around the store, all eyes were on the crazy women in the hot‑pink swimsuit. One child was caught that day, but one woman was damaged for life.   

Why do so many women have “issues” when it comes to putting on a bathing suit? One fashion expert says that men’s suits are nothing more than baggy pants that hang down to their knees, while women have “a whole lot of hips and thighs to expose.” Men can even have a “beer belly” hanging over their swimsuit and it doesn’t seem to bother anybody. A feminist in California wrote an article in the L.A. Times demanding that there be “equality” when it comes to bathing suits for men and women. So why do men get all the “coverage” and women are “forced to show all the skin?”    

Is swimming or going to a beach in your future? Take heart, Dear Readers, there is still time. Head for the gym, run that mile, lift those weights, skip dessert, cut out the fast food and by the 4th of July (2007) you will look fabulous in a bathing suit.

On the other hand, go ahead, expose yourself and be proud. Why should only those very skinny model‑like gals have all the fun? It may take determination to try on a bathing suit and courage to wear it, but we can do this. Besides, isn’t that why margaritas were invented? Have a little lime, a lot of tequila (hold the chips) and be very careful around deep pools of water. See you at the beach!