But
the film itself, which wasn’t screened
for critics before opening day, would
have been horrendous anyway; place any
other actress in the part and it’s just
another straight‑to‑DVD
release.
Lohan
stars as both Aubrey, an aspiring writer
who goes missing, and Dakota, an exotic
dancer who wakes up in the hospital
with parts of her right arm and leg
sawed off. Investigators (Garcelle Beauvais‑Nilon
and Spencer Garrett) searching for a
possible serial killer and even Aubrey’s
parents (Neal McDonough and Julia Ormond–you
read that right, Julia Ormond) swear
the girl is Aubrey. She keeps insisting
she’s Dakota.
Does
she have amnesia? Is she delusional?
Or maybe she’s identical twins, and
this is “The Parent Trap” with pasties.
(Just
so we don’t get confused, director Chris
Sivertson has imposed an easy‑to‑follow,
overbearing color scheme. The Lohan‑as‑Aubrey
segments are drenched in cobalt blue,
from her convertible Lexus to the gag
that’s placed in her mouth as she’s
being tortured; for Lohan‑as‑Dakota,
everything is red, including the bras
and bustiers she wears on stage. So
helpful!)
But
it’s tough to get engrossed in any mystery
Sivertson is trying to achieve, working
from a script by first‑timer Jeffrey
Hammond, because so much of what Lohan
is called to do is a distracting reminder
of her off‑camera misadventures.
Performing on stage as Dakota, she leans
up against a pole and slides down it,
eyes closed, mouth open, head tossed
back. And you’re watching her thinking:
Where have I seen that before? Oh, yeah.
That looks just like the photograph
of Lohan sitting passed‑out in
the passenger seat of a car after a
long night of partying.
Dakota/Aubrey
is being held in a hospital against
her will. She gets driven home in a
cop car. And then there’s the high‑tech
prosthetic leg she has to wear, which
beeps when its battery is low. You can’t
help but be reminded of the clunky ankle
bracelet Lohan received after her second
stint in rehab–you know, the one that
was designed to detect alcohol consumption.
Even
if you could ignore all that, there’s
nothing even remotely scary or suspenseful
about “I Know Who Killed Me.” Ridiculous
is the word that more often comes to
mind, especially during the scene in
which Dakota loses a finger while taking
off one of her full‑length red
gloves, then tries to reattach it on
the bathroom sink using duct tape and
string. And we haven’t even mentioned
the sex scene with Aubrey’s boyfriend
(Brian Geraghty) that’s played awkwardly
for both titillation and laughs.
It
makes you wonder what Lohan was thinking
when she said yes to this project. Despite
her frequent appearances in the tabloids,
she seemed to be making the transition
nicely from charismatic Disney darling
to a young actress who wanted to be
taken seriously, with small roles among
prestigious ensembles in “A Prairie
Home Companion” and “Bobby.”
You
want to know who killed her? She’s doing
it to herself.
“I
Know Who Killed Me,” a TriStar Pictures
release, is rated R for grisly violence
including torture and disturbing gory
images, and for sexuality, nudity and
language. Running time: 105 minutes.
One star out of four.