‘Someone get bin Laden’
by Evan Christopher

I remember driving down one of the main thoroughfares in Phoenix last year, upon a speculative visit, always the speculative visit before living somewhere new, and draped over a wall marked out on a bed sheet was the imploring message, “Someone get bin Laden.”

I tried to imagine the sheer desperation involved with relaying such a message in this manner. It seemed worse than being stranded on a desert isle without a coconut tree and no rocks to spell out SOS.

Worse yet, the author didn’t care to appeal to any specific person, choosing instead to plead for someone, anyone, to please get bin Laden. It reminded me of the Queen song, “Can anybody find me, somebody to love?” Except in this case, “Can anybody find me, someone to get bin Laden?”

As I was considering relocating at the time, it occurred to me that this could lead to a legitimate job opportunity. All I’d have to do is rip the sheet off the wall (in lieu of the time‑honored practice of carrying in the “Help Wanted” sign), hop the fence, and present myself. I’d be just as good a candidate as anyone else to get bin Laden, especially as he has continued his taunting movie career unscathed since the heinous 9‑11. This guy seemed desperate enough to hire me for the effort. Like Elvis, I might just catch him at a Circle K purchasing an international phone card, and then I’d get him real good.

Then I thought maybe this bed sheet author has hazarded upon something big. Here’s a regular guy like me letting people know what he wants. What a marketing opportunity! (The thought also occurred to me what a great community Phoenix was, what with this open sort of bed sheet political dialogue.) I could open a bed sheet calligraphy company, with custom messaging, and call it Bed Sheet Messenger Service.

With the area being such a political hotbed, just think of the possibilities:

On the Mexican border from Arizonans: Someone close the border.

And from the Mexican side: Someone open the border.

And maybe those dry‑witted Canadians would want to get involved: Someone close the border.

Bed sheet messaging could catch on to be an international craze. From a historical perspective, many countries could have used it.

From Germany: Someone get Poland.

From Poland: Someone get Germany. (The sheet could have been changed just a few years later to: Someone get Russia.)

And to bring us back up to real time in Europe:

From France: Someone get everyone else.

The commercial possibilities are endless:

From McDonald’s: Someone get the Burger King.

From BK: Someone get Ronald McDonald. (Or maybe BK could just start with that big fat purple thing, Grimace.)

In politics, setting the obvious Dems’ and Reps’ barbs aside:

Someone get the Moral Majority. (If such a thing exists.)

And in response: Someone get the immoral minority. (If such a thing exists.)

And then I thought how bin Laden’s name has by and large vanished from the attention‑challenged media spotlight. My personal bed sheet message relates to the same, slippery villain, and potential job, in a roundabout way: Someone get me a cheap gallon of gas.

And that, my friends, is an entirely desperate plea worthy of a bed sheet message.