When you win, you lose

If a slot machine goes ka‑ching, is the IRS listening?

That is the question asked by one sad (and stupid) jackpot winner in Las Vegas. It seems John Doe (we are sparing the humiliation of using his name) won $200,000 playing the slots at a City of Sin casino. But wait, the story gets better. Instead of taking the loot and leaving as quickly as he could, this very happy man started handing out big tips, buying rounds of drinks for all and drank a few too many rum and cokes (about 17). Unfortunately, all that money (and booze) went right to his head. He blew every cent before he got out of the casino.

That’s right, Dear Readers, imagine winning 200 big ones and losing it all in one night. But that’s not all, folks. The Internal Revenue Service is demanding its share of the man’s winnings, and he is suing the casino because he says they “enticed him to stay, got him drunk and took advantage of him.” Hey, I’m almost feeling sorry for this guy. He also claims that since he never left the casino with a red cent, why should he have to pay the IRS?

I actually like this argument. Sometimes my paycheck is gone before I actually get to enjoy it. I have called my accountant and asked him: If we spend our money as fast as we make it, do we still have to pay taxes? Sadly, his answer was “yes.” Well, what if you became instantly rich, had a night that you can’t really remember and woke up in the morning in the same old financial state? Surely, the IRS would understand. Hmm ... Evidently not.

The man also states that an employee of the casino had bright purple hair and that, combined with the free booze, caused him to hallucinate. Now that’s where he lost me, because we all know that purple hair in Las Vegas is nothing new. In fact, the last time I went to that City of Big Wins and Bigger Losses, I saw quite a few folks who didn’t look exactly normal. Orange hair with green stripes, tattoos all over and staples (or is it body piercing) protruding from eyebrows are simply common‑place fashion statements. After all, it is Las Vegas.

I knew of a woman who won 2,000 bucks playing the slots at an Arizona casino and was so thrilled that she put the money in her purse and ran for her life. She felt it was the single, biggest stroke of good luck she’d had in a while, so she left the casino running like a wild woman. She still looks back at this as the only way to handle such “pure luck,” but admits she was pretty mad that she had to pay the IRS a portion of her winnings.

Perhaps we think that a “big win” is something like pennies from heaven. No, if you gamble and win, there are taxes to be paid. Just like the lottery, if you play and come up lucky, you have to pay.

I’ve never been very lucky when it comes to gambling. In fact, I compare playing slots with throwing coins down a toilet. But I have to believe if I put a quarter in a machine and pulled the handle, hoping to see little monkeys all line up in a happy row, that I would be wise if I heard the blessed ka‑ching. No drinks, no talk, just a fast walk out of the Den of Thieves so I could quietly count my money and hand over a portion of it to the IRS. No waitress with purple hair is going to get in my way!

So what’s in your wallet? Have an extra coin or two to throw at a slot? Remember, playing is easy; losing is harsh. But winning and immediately losing might be the worst pain of all. If you’ve ever dreamed of getting rich quick, stay out of all casinos.

Oh, did I mention I’m going to Las Vegas this week? I might just have to visit a few of these dangerous places (as an observer only), but I will do so with great caution, little money and few expectations. Ka‑ching until next week!