Oh, forgive me, Dear Readers, I do not mean to offend. It’s just that we, Arizonans, now have the dubious distinction of living in the “dumbest state in the nation.”   

Ouch, that really hurts. How the heck did Arizona rank dead last out of fifty states when it comes to smarts? It seems the Morgan Quinto Press conducted a “smart state” survey that analyzed twenty‑one negative and positive factors across the country to determine the intelligence of each state’s residents. Folks, we failed terribly.

Some of those factors surveyed were things like the salaries of teachers (we are shamefully low), and the dropout rate of students (we are embarrassingly high). Okay, so we’re not perfect when it comes to education in this state, but last? Worse, a small, cold state like Vermont ranks number one in smarts.

I’m calling foul. I’ve been to Vermont and you can barely understand a thing those folks say. Plus, besides nice ski slopes and good maple syrup, that’s about the whole story in Vermont. (I apologize in advance to those Vermont natives whom I’ve offended.)

When I asked my mother, who lives in Ohio, what she thought of our dumb state, she said, “Well, perhaps you’re dumb because you live in a place where 110 degrees is the norm in the summer.” Aha, I think she’s on to something. Those Morgan Quinto researchers (nuts in my book) are nothing more than a bunch of cold‑climate guys who hate hot weather. That’s it.

Seriously, Morgan Quinto Press is based in Kansas. How smart are they if they live there (Oops, forgive me if that’s your home state.)

We all know darn well that we, the residents of this great state, cannot possibly be the stupidest people in the country. At least we are smart enough to know that New Mexico is a state, while those folks back east still wonder if it’s part of Mexico. Plus, Arizonans know how to eat Mexican food, understand the essence of good salsa, and have a talent for making delicious margaritas. We, desert dwellers, can say the word “saguaro” correctly and can revel in the most amazing sunsets in the world.

Have you been to Vermont?

I doubt they have the immigration, rapid growth, or transient population we have. No, this survey was completely skewed.  

They are not smarter than we are. We should not have low self‑esteem just because forty‑nine states came out looking smarter. We have been maligned and misunderstood.

My brother in Ohio–a state which ranked a mediocre 34 in the survey–called me after he read the report and left a message, saying, “Hi stupid, hope all is well.” The nerve!

You see, people all over the world are laughing at us. We’ve become the butt of all jokes.   

Newspapers are claiming that the dry heat has gone directly to the heads of Arizonans, frying our brains, and turning us into mental midgets. One comedian said that, “the dumb people of Arizona actually think that the Grand Canyon is a resort somewhere in Flagstaff.”

People who have school‑age children are suddenly worried.  

The survey claims that Arizona kids can’t read proficiently and points out that we have over‑crowded classrooms. In general, the state is cheap, cheap, cheap, when it comes to education.   

Maybe this is our wake‑up call and it’s time we leap into action. Even if we don’t like (or completely believe) that we deserved to be ranked last in the “smart state” survey, it might be time to insist that our kids get a better education.

Adding insult to injury to the state that is dumbest, we now have discovered that there is a tiny typo on Proposition 203 of the state ballot that could cost early education programs millions of dollars. Yikes, now it seems we can’t read, or write.   

Election Day is around the corner, so please get out and vote. Our kids need you to speak up and help give the intelligent people of Vermont something to worry about.