The
Desert Advocate recently interviewed Santa Claus by
phone from his home at the North Pole to ask some questions
concerning the upcoming holiday and how he manages to
cram so much work into a single night.
TDA:
Santa, how are things shaping up for this Christmas? Are
you guys on schedule for Christmas Eve?
Santa:
Ho, ho, ho. The elves and I are working harder than ever
to get everything ready to deliver on Christmas Eve. It’s
a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it. We can’t rely
on the politicians to get things done, they’ll keep all
of the good stuff for themselves. So we have to supervise
this Christmas thing pretty closely. We’ll git ‘er done
though.
TDA:
Speaking of politicians, with the increased security measures
in place for our air space, do you foresee any trouble
flying your sleigh across the skies on Christmas Eve?
Santa:
Glad you asked. Those old boys in Washington don’t know
what it’s like to pilot this rig, much less what it takes
to keep a herd of reindeer on course and on deadline.
They’ve
got me jumping through hoops with all kinds of licenses
and regulations. I gotta have landing lights, a GPS, a
radio, an oxygen mask, a parachute, fire extinguishers,
a seatbelt, overload springs and shocks. The list goes
on and on. I’ve barely got room for my ipod and its collection
of Christmas carols. Got to stay in that holiday mood,
you know.
They
even made me take a physical. I had to get on a treadmill
for 10 minutes. Can you imagine me on a treadmill with
this gut? I nearly had a heart attack.
My
permit is good for one night and then I’ve got to park
this baby until next year. You see what I’m up against.
TDA:
Recently there’s been some concerns from animal rights
groups who are protesting your use of reindeer to pull
your sleigh at supersonic speeds.
What
is your reaction to this controversy?
Santa:
I was sorry to hear about that. I think work conditions
on the North Pole are excellent. Sure, it’s a tough night
for any reindeer, but our reindeer only work one night
a year. Who wouldn’t want that deal?
TDA:
Any special gifts for anyone special you want to mention?
Santa:
Of course, we bring plenty of special gifts down from
the North Pole. I’ve got an oldie but goodie for my buddy
George the prez. The elves really thought he’d like Frank
Sinatra’s “My Way” CD to pass the time.
For
Dick Cheney, I’ve got “Shotgun” by Junior Walker and the
All‑Stars.” I think he’d get a bang out of that
don’t you? Ho, ho, ho.
And
Dennis Erickson is getting Johnny Paycheck’s “Take This
Job and Shove It.”
I’ve
got lots more.
TDA:
What about rumors your elves are talking about forming
a union?
Santa:
Ho, ho, ho, that’s a good one. The fact of the matter
is they’re only rumors. Me and the little fellows get
along great.
Besides,
I’d hate to have to do my shopping online.
TDA:
Well, Santa, that just about wraps it up for today. Do
you have anything to tell the world before you start your
yearly gig?
Santa:
Ho, ho, ho. Yes, go easy on the milk and cookies this
year. The doctor said my cholesterol levels are over the
top. I’ve got high blood pressure, acid reflux, lower
back pain, muscle spasms, signs of diabetes, corns, ingrown
toe nails, bunions, arthritis, cataracts, among other
things, but the holiday spirit gets me out there every
year.
